While The Boys Are Away
by locqua
Summary: Edward gets plenty of grief from his brothers about his upcoming wedding night. Now it's Bella's turn - Rosalie & Alice style! Rated M for very mature adult situations - you've been warned! Nominated for "Best Comedy" at the Twilight Awards!
1. Fredrick's of Hollywood vampire style

_Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!_

_A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. There will be homage paid in a future chapter. (wink wink!)_

_Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn._

**Chapter 1 – Fredrick's of Hollywood, vampire style**

The wedding was only a couple weeks away. Esme and Alice seemed to have spent every waking minute of their time planning the tiniest of details. Too often I had been forced to watch, listen, or participate in some way.. I was already exhausted and the big day wasn't even on the horizon yet. About the only thing I didn't have was cold feet – I couldn't _wait_ to be Mrs. Edward Cullen, though the process I would have to go through to get that title made me extremely anxious.

Jasper, Emmett and a reluctant Edward were leaving for the day to hunt. Edward begged and pleaded with them to hunt closer to home so he could quickly return to my side (I'm sure he was desperately hanging on to every last _human_ moment possible), but they along with Rosalie & Alice somehow convinced him that a day trip would be good for both of us. I wasn't sure I completely agreed with that logic, but Alice had promised me a day of sisterly fun – just us girls. She had winked when she said this, so I could only imagine what she had in mind. Carlisle was working a double at the hospital, and Esme was nowhere to be found – apparently she was out shopping for more wedding stuff.

As I heard Edward's Volvo race away, Alice and Rosalie approached me from the kitchen. I didn't like the look on their faces.

"So, dear sister! Our first day of womanly bonding has begun!" Alice trilled, skipping up to me and resting her dark head on my shoulder. "Aren't you excited to have a girl's day with us?"

I watched Rosalie warily. I trusted her expressions much more then Alice's to reveal what I was in for. But today she just smiled at me – maybe a little too smugly.

"Umm….sure," I responded, putting as much excitement into my voice as possible.

Alice raised her head, giving me a pouty look. "Dear sister, you don't seem happy. You'd rather be alone while your love is out hunting then with us?"

"No! I love spending time with you!" I suddenly felt guilty for not playing along. After all, what was the worst that could happen? A complete makeover? More wedding planning? A trip to the mall? The sun was starting to creep out from the clouds, so thankfully shopping was out.

Rosalie held out her hand to me. "Come on Bella, we promise you'll have fun." Her tone was much too nice.

I sighed. "So what's on the agenda?" I asked.

Alice's expression changed back to one of excitement. "Rose and I are going to _formally_ introduce you to the Cullen family!"

Uh-oh. That didn't sound good. "But I already know all of you." My attempt at humor fell on deaf ears.

"No silly, we need to make sure you're up to speed on everything Cullen before the big day!" Alice's tone began to scare me a little.

"Think of it as…" Rosalie paused, twirling a piece of her perfect hair around a perfectly manicured finger. "Initiation into the club? Only in a female sort of way." Now I was really scared. I was going to get _hazed_ into the family?

Alice gave Rosalie an annoyed look. "Don't worry Bella, it's not anything bad! We're just going to chit-chat about anything and everything. Maybe play dress-up…watch a chick flick?" I was still suspicious.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Trust us Bella. You'll like it!" She gently took my arm opposite of Alice. They both steered me towards the stairs.

"Do we start in Edward's bedroom?" Alice asked.

"Nah, let's start in yours," Rosalie replied.

"Why can't we do whatever it is that we're going to do in the living room?" My question was utterly ignored. I gulped in terror, imagining more torturous beauty regimens in Alice's bathroom. Of the two, I think I preferred Edward's room. But what could we possibly be doing in there?

Once in Alice and Jasper's room, my two future sister-in-laws hopped gracefully onto the gigantic bed. Alice giggled and patted the mattress, motioning for me to join them.

"I hope you recently washed the comforter," Rose mumbled softly.

Alice elbowed her and shot her a disparaging look.

"Come on Bella! Let's talk," Alice chanted. I did my best to hop up on the bed with some sort of casual grace, but I almost rolled into the iron bed frame. The bed was dangerously soft.

Alice giggled again as she and Rosalie watched me right myself. I turned to face them, sitting cross-legged and tucking my arms around my stomach. I braced myself for whatever they had in store for me.

"So Bella, Rose and I thought we should have a girl-to-girl talk with you since you'll be marrying our charming brother very soon," Alice began. Rosalie started to smirk. "It has come to our attention that as a blushing bride, you might need a little...guidance for your wedding night." Dear God, it was worse then I thought.

"Alice, I've been through sex-ed," I grumbled, feeling my face grow hot. I was pretty sure Edward hadn't said anything to Alice about our _plans_. She must have seen something in her visions. How embarrassing!

"But there are some things they just can't teach you in a classroom," Alice responded, ridiculously happy. Rosalie continued to smirk.

I stared at both of them, not knowing how to respond as my face grew hotter. I wanted to bolt from the room and run home, but I had a sinking suspicion that one or both of them would drag me back kicking and screaming.

"Don't worry Bella, we're just trying to help. Besides, who knows better then us what Edward likes?" Alice chirped.

"That didn't come out exactly right," Rosalie mumbled to Alice. I was too mortified to care.

Alice rolled her eyes at Rosalie. "Let me put it this way. It'll be Edward's first time too, and knowing him he'll over-analyze everything to the point where he completely kills the mood. We're just going to help you help _him _forget everything but you!"

"Most guys don't need this much help in that department, but you never know with Edward," added Rosalie.

"And we Cullen women have a reputation to uphold!"

I was starting to feel ill. "What exactly do you mean by a reputation?" I asked warily.

"All three of us take great pride in our unique and tantalizing seduction skills. We're terribly charming, creative, adventurous," Alice was ticking these attributes off on her fingers in a very matter-of-fact way.

My jaw dropped. "You mean Esme too?"

"Oh yes. In some ways she and Carlisle are much more risqué then us," Rosalie clarified.

"Flexibility, stamina, oral talents..." Alice kept ticking.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. Apparently, Alice's ability to see the future meant that Edward and I would get no privacy whatsoever. And even if she wasn't already watching our wedding night play out in her mind, I'm sure Jasper would complain loudly if either of us came back in less then jubilant moods.

"Don't worry Bella, it's not as bad as you think! Let's start with the lingerie." Alice and Rosalie jumped off the bed and disappeared into her closet.

They quickly reappeared with armfuls of boxes from stores whose names I couldn't begin to pronounce. Most of them looked French. They set them on the bed and Alice began pulling out unspeakable things. The first article was red and satin and there seemed to be some sort of straps coming out of way too many places. She held it up.

"How about this?"

I wasn't sure what to say, because I had no idea what it was supposed to – cover. My expression must have given my confusion away, because Alice reached over to hold it up against Rosalie's torso.

"I think you should try it on. Though I'm not sure if you'll look better in red or blue," Alice debated as she studied the skimpy piece.

"Alice, that _thing_ is see-through! I'm not putting it on!" I whined. I was still trying to figure out what the straps at the bottom were for.

"It's only see-through in the bust," commented Alice, who began digging through another box. She pulled out a similar piece that was royal blue, this time holding it up to herself.

"Come on Bella, just try it on. I think it'll look great on you!" Rosalie nodded in agreement.

I cringed at the thought and felt my stomach lurch. I was seriously worried that I might throw up. "No," I said flatly.

Alice sighed loudly, then began digging through another box. Tissue paper went flying everywhere. Finally, she seemed to find what she was looking for. She held up something in black lace that appeared to be underwear, only much skimpier then I had ever seen. Also, there seemed to be part of it missing. "How about this instead?"

"Umm…what_ is_ that?" I didn't have to work very hard to play dumb.

"Crotchless panties!"

"Oh no, I am not wearing that!" My face flushed brighter as I prayed that the floor would suddenly open up and swallow me.

"Come on, Edward will love them!" protested Alice. She flung them at me with a wicked grin. "You've got to wear something other then an old t-shirt and sweats on your honeymoon!"

I buried my head in my lap, trying to hide anyway I could as I thought about Alice knowing about my typical evening wear on the nights Edward slept over at my house. The realization that I had no privacy for even my most intimate moments with my future husband had my stomach in knots. I had never been so thoroughly embarrassed in my life.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Rosalie asked.

"Alice knows _way_ too much," I muttered.

"Well, there are no secrets in this family.?" Alice said sympathetically. "Which is why we know better then anyone what Edward likes. Don't be embarrassed - we're only trying to help both of you!"

I sighed dejectedly. Maybe she was right. I could probably use some better pajamas, but there was no way I was ever going to try on the crotchless underwear, especially in front of Alice & Rosalie.

"Fine. Do you have anything a little more – conservative?" I lifted my head warily.

"Um, the point of lingerie is not to be _conservative_," Alice chided. "Remember, you want him on his knees, begging for mercy before you even start to get to the good stuff."

"She already has him on his knees. All he has to do is think of her scent." Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean." Alice started digging through the boxes again, this time pulling out a white negligee with feathery edges. "How about this?"

"Better," I said sourly.

"Go try it on." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me off the bed, marching me into her closet. I gave up trying to fight her – at least this latest piece covered a lot more.

I was forced to try on a dizzying number of outfits, most of them embarrassingly skimpy. Rosalie and Alice didn't seem to be bothered in the least, both by my blushing reactions or the lack of coverage. They scrutinized every piece, commenting on colors, styles, and of course Edward's anticipated reaction. As I continued to try them on, Alice had begun making two piles – presumably ones they liked on me and ones they didn't. One of the racier pieces that thankfully fell into the rejected pile was scooped up by Rosalie.

"I like this one – if Bella doesn't want it, I think I'll keep it. Emmett loves these lacey teddies."

"Rose, that won't fit you," Alice muttered.

"We'll see about that," she replied. I tried to erase the thought of Rose squeezing into something that was already barely there, and Emmett's reaction to her squeezing in or out of said teddy.

When we finally finished, Alice clapped her hands in delight and began folding and boxing the pile of keepers while I got dressed as quickly as possible. I had never missed my jeans and sweater so much in my life.

I shuffled to Alice's bed and collapsed face first, completely drained. I only got a moment's worth of peace before I felt Rosalie and Alice pulling me back up off the bed.

"Now let's go up to Edward's room!" sang Alice gleefully. I groaned loudly. After being succumbed to the humiliating experience of having my future sister-in-laws so thoroughly involved in my wedding night attire, I could only imagine what else they had in store for me.

_I'm still looking for betas if anyone's interested! Please be kind enough to leave a review – good or bad! Reviews will help shape future chapters (and trust me, things only go downhill from here...)_


	2. RolePlay

_Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!_

_A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. There will be homage paid in a future chapter. (wink wink!)_

_Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn._

**Chapter 2 – Role-play**

I dragged my feet as they led me upstairs and into Edward's room. Again, the three of us hopped up on his bed, sitting in a small circle facing one another. I pulled my knees to my chest, trying to hide.

"So, let's talk" Alice began. The words were extremely ominous. This was how the whole lingerie discussion had begun, and I couldn't dream of what could possibly be left to talk about.

"Your first night as husband and wife..."Alice began. This time I could taste bile in my mouth. Apparently the extremely candid discussions about my sex life were never going to stop. She continued, "…can be a little _awkward_. Especially since both of you are virgins." I gagged back the urge to loose my lunch and stared at Alice and Rosalie in horror.

"I mean I'm sure you'll figure everything out." I couldn't tell if Alice was referring to my reaction or not.

"Well Bella might – I'm not so sure about Edward," Rosalie sniffed. Alice elbowed her again, but Rosalie continued. "Between waiting for someone for eighty-some years and listening in to the rest of us go at it for almost as long, he's bound to freak out and quite possibly have performance issues."

I swore the room started spinning. My face continued to burn as my mind raced with the thought of possible roads this discussion was leading down. I actually began to will myself to faint so I wouldn't have to endure anymore of Alice and Rosalie's torture. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

Alice punched Rosalie in the side, giving her a dirty look.

"Alice, quit hitting me!" Rosalie hissed.

"You're not _helping_!" Alice hissed back, glaring hatefully at her. "Now quit with the snide comments. You're worse then Emmett!"

"Ha, you think so? Why don't I call and have him join us? Then I'll show you what snide really is."

Alice simmered angrily as she stared down Rosalie. "If you even think of calling him, I will tell Edward everything you said!" she threatened loudly.

"And you don't think you'll be in as much trouble as me?" Rosalie retorted, rolling her eyes at Alice. I was thankful their attention was on something other then me for the moment, but my luck ran out as my bickering sisters suddenly turned back towards me.

"We're sorry Bella. Let's get back to the task at hand." Alice leaned over to embrace me in a hug, kissing me on the cheek. "You know how Rose is. Let's make sure you and Edward prove her wrong – sooner then later!" she whispered in my ear.

My jaw dropped in shock again, as Rosalie watched me closely. I'm sure she heard Alice, but thankfully didn't reply with a degrading comeback about my innocence or Edward's lack of experience.

"Okay then, let's do some role-playing. Rose, since you're the tallest, you can be Edward," directed Alice, as she returned to her sitting position across from me.

"That won't be hard," Rosalie muttered. I waited for Alice to hit her again.

"Bella, you be – Bella! I'll coach," Alice said much too seriously.

I groaned as the room started to spin again. "No!" I protested weakly, as my stomach threatened to turn itself inside-out. The world "role-play", used in this conversation, while on Edward's bed was as much as I could handle. Maybe if I suddenly threw myself off the bed, I'd manage to break an arm or another leg or crack my head open well enough to escape any further torture.

"Oh no you don't!" Alice grabbed my arm tightly as I started to shift my weight. Darn – she was too fast and saw my plan. Obviously I would have hurt myself if she was restraining me so roughly. I sighed loudly and tried to pull my arm away. After searching my future for any further escape and injury attempts, she let me go.

"Will you cooperate if I pretend to be you?" Alice asked, her voice saccharin-sweet. "You can just watch and take notes." She giggled quietly.

"Fine," I surrendered. My embarrassment and horror were ebbed slightly by the thought of watching Rosalie and Alice pretending to be me and Edward. Though I was positive I'd still be mortified, if I focused really hard, I was hopeful that I could find something funny in it all. Maybe I could even use it to my advantage once the boys were back.

I climbed off of Edward's bed and slumped onto his couch. Alice began directing Rosalie, instructing her to lay a certain way while she hopped off the bed. Then Alice sprang at an inhuman speed towards Rosalie, landing on top of her and appearing to be biting her neck.

I stifled a laugh. "Alice, first off I can't move as fast as you. Second, I'd chip a tooth if I tried to bite him like that."

"Work with me Bella. I'm simply demonstrating ideas – you get to improvise however you wish," she clucked as she turned to look at me, still straddling Rosalie on the bed. "If you prefer, we could move onto more detailed displays of affection."

"No!" I blurted. Although Alice's suggestion could potentially lead to even funnier acts, I wasn't so sure the humor wouldn't somehow be directed back to me. It was safer to stay on the current path, and I prayed it wouldn't get any more graphic.

"Okay. Now pay attention – no more joking around. This is serious stuff!" Again I had to hold in the urge to laugh at Alice. The whole situation was quickly getting sillier and sillier.

Alice climbed off Rosalie, instructing her so quickly that I couldn't understand what was next. Alice stayed on the bed, sitting back on her heels while Rosalie left the bed to stand by the door.

"Oh Bella, I've been waiting for this moment my entire, dismal life." Rosalie impersonated Edward surprisingly well, but she couldn't mask the humor in her words. This time the giggle escaped my lips, and I swore I saw Rosalie attempting to hide a smile too. "You look so _hot_ in that outfit. Did you borrow it from Rosalie?" I giggled harder, and Rosalie coughed away a laugh.

"Rose! Knock it off!" Apparently Alice wasn't about to let her lesson stray from serious quite yet. "You too Bella! Or I'll make you come up here instead of me!"

I covered my mouth to muffle the laughing and gave Alice my best attempt at an apologetic look. Surprisingly, she bought it.

"Edward, we can finally be together forever," Alice swooned at Rosalie, but watched me out of the corner of her eye. "Why don't you come join me on this nice, big _bed_."

"So you can finally make a man out of me?" Rosalie laughed at her own joke, and I lost my composure again. I knew I shouldn't be laughing, especially if the boys could see us now. But I couldn't help it.

Rosalie sauntered over to the bed, over-exaggerating every movement. Alice's eyes narrowed in annoyance. She grabbed Rosalie by the shirt and threw her on the bed.

"Not funny Rose! You're supposed to be trying to help Bella, not make her laugh!" Alice still had Rosalie by the shirt as she began shaking her. Rosalie continued to giggle, and I heard the sound of fabric ripping.

"You know Alice, you're giving me some _great_ ideas now. If I was theoretically able to throw Edward with that much grace onto the bed and then rip his shirt off, I won't need your help." I grinned at my sudden boost of self-confidence and lack of embarrassment. The hilarity of the whole situation was quickly spiraling out of control.

"He'd be putty in your hands, especially if you get all rough with him like this," Rosalie choked out between giggles. Alice continued to shake her, but her anger seemed to be dissipating quickly.

"I sure hope the boys don't come back early. If they catch you two like that..." I paused, thinking of what the worst possible thing that could happen would be. A light bulb went off in my head as I continued. "…well, if Jasper and Emmett catch you like that, you might give them some _very_ wild ideas, if you know what I mean. And if Edward catches you, I'm sure he'll tell them, then tease you about it every chance he gets. Either way, the talk of the next few days won't be about boring ole Edward and Bella!"

Alice and Rosalie froze, then quickly pulled away from one another, fleeing to opposite ends of the room, their eyes wild.

"You don't think he's been listening in, do you?" whispered Rosalie.

Alice's eyes went vacant for a split second. Then she smiled. "Nope, we're still safe! As long as Bella can stay quiet," she gave me a long, serious look.

"I'll stay quiet if you stop with the role-playing and the rest of the sex talk." I bargained.

Alice ran over and hugged me again. "It's a deal. How about we watch a movie?"

_I'm still looking for betas if anyone's interested! Please be kind enough to leave a review – good or bad! Reviews will help shape future chapters (and trust me, things only go downhill from here...)_


	3. I'm feeling very Stacy Hamilton

_Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!_

_A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Let's assume this took place after your story….I just couldn't resist taking a few small details from yours and using it in mine!_

_Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn._

**Chapter 3 – I'm feeling very Stacy Hamilton…**

Alice ran over and hugged me again. "It's a deal. How about we watch a movie?"

"Sure," I agreed. I couldn't believe I had won the battle so easily. Rosalie rushed over to a cabinet next to the wall filled with DVDs. She began flipping through them when she suddenly gasped.

"Alice!" she called, waving her arm towards us without turning away from the cabinet. Alice bolted off the bed and rushed to Rosalie's side. I watched them warily from my sanctuary on the couch, wondering what was going on now. They spoke softly, but not so softly that I couldn't hear.

"I thought he didn't buy any," mumbled Rosalie. Her eyes flickered to Alice.

"He must have – maybe when we were too busy discussing…"

Rosalie cut her off. "Or maybe he went back the next night."

"No, I would have seen that."

"But you didn't see him buying this _many_ that night?" Rosalie's eyes grew larger. They were still oblivious to my eavesdropping.

"No Rose! I was too busy watching other things!" Alice hissed.

"I can only imagine. You and Jasper were louder then we were for a change," complained Rosalie.

"Do we tell her?"

I couldn't take it anymore. "Tell me what?" I asked loudly.

Alice and Rosalie whipped their heads around to face me. I couldn't quite read their expressions – they looked a little surprised, but there was something else flickering in their eyes. Alice glanced back at Rosalie for just a second, some wordless communication happening between them. That sinking feeling started up in my stomach again.

Suddenly a box came flying at me, landing with a soft thud on the couch. My eye caught the words "Titan-sized" and I froze in horror. Horror that this day could actually be getting _worse._

"Maybe Edward isn't as prudish as I thought," Rosalie commented as she tossed a second box of condoms onto the couch. "He sure did buy a lot!" A third and fourth box landed on my lap. The larger of the two boasted "economy-sized".

"Bella, you'll _really_ like this stuff," Alice threw a tube of something at me gently. I reflexively reached out to catch it, then dropped it like a hot coal when I saw what it was. A gasp escaped me before I could shut my gaping mouth. _Warming gel?_

"At least Edward will like it. Emmett did. In fact he liked it so much that he bought out every Walmart in the area. Thank God he didn't force me to come with. That store is absolutely disgusting!" Rosalie wrinkled her nose.

Alice rolled her eyes. "You weren't complaining after you tried out the gel."

They continued back and forth discussing the pros and cons of the warming gel for what felt like hours. Thankfully I was temporarily forgotten, and I took advantage of the break to quickly grab a blanket off the back of the couch and completely cover myself with it, attempting to hide anyway I could. I was beginning to think that there would never be a time again when I could think about Edward and sex in the same thought without picturing this day from hell. So I tried to think of happy thoughts. Happy, _clean_ thoughts. Edward's crooked smile. The way he sang me to sleep every night. His intoxicating scent. His strong arms. My mind kept drifting to certain things that eventually ended up right back in this bedroom, and as much as I would never admit it to Alice and Rosalie, involved some of the many embarrassing things they had literally thrown at me that day.

"Bella, what are you doing?" The sound of Alice saying my name snapped me out of my daydreaming.

"Checking out Edward's purchases?" Rosalie snickered. She yanked the blanket off of me, hoping to catch me in some compromising act. Thankfully the boxes and gel still lay untouched near my feet. However I couldn't hide the bright blush that covered my face.

I had to at least try and gain control of this situation again anyway I could, so I summed up the last little shred of self-confidence that remained from earlier. The only weapon I seemed to have was threatening exposure.

"Do you guys always go digging through Edward's things?" I asked as innocently as I could. Both of them stared at me silently. "I mean, I wonder if Edward decided to go digging through your drawers while you were out what he might find…" I let the suggestion sink in for a second.

Alice sighed loudly, then cocked her head to the side as she sifted through possible futures. She blinked twice, and then gave me a stony look.

"You won't tell if we put them away?" she asked me seriously.

"Nope. However you also need to honor your prior promise as well," I reminded her.

Rosalie slowly bent down to scoop the boxes up off the couch, muttering under her breath. "And we could have had so much fun…"

Alice held open the cabinet for her as she replaced everything back to its original place. They both looked sullenly at one another. I allowed myself a small smile as I realized I had beat them at their own game.

My gloating was short-lived though, as Alice glanced over at me, her eyes suddenly large and bright. "I almost forgot – we were going to watch a movie together!"

Rosalie's posture quickly improved too. Hmm. I had another bad feeling as she returned to digging through the DVDs, finally finding what she was looking for. Her hand moved too fast for me to see, but suddenly the widescreen TV was on and the DVD started to play. Alice cheerfully leapt back on the bed, then reached down to pull me up to sit next to her. Rosalie joined us a second later, remote in hand.

"What are we watching?" I asked suspiciously. Again, Rosalie seemed to be smiling a little too smugly.

"Ever seen _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_?" they said in unison.

I felt my jaw slacken and my eyes start to bulge. "Oh no. You promised to leave me alone!"

"Oh, you've seen it? We don't have to watch the whole thing – we'll just fast-forward to the good parts. How about starting with the lunchroom scene?" Alice smiled devilishly. I knew only too well what they were referring to.

"I am not watching a scene with..." I couldn't finish as the thought of Alice and Rosalie giving me more pointers ran through my mind.

"Blowjob lessons?" Alice said innocently. I threw myself facedown on the bed and buried my head under a pillow. I could hear both of them giggling at my response.

"Geez Bella – grow up. How else are you going to learn?" Rosalie taunted.

"Edward, HELP!" I screamed into the pillow. I couldn't take any more of their antics.

"Help you with what Bella?" Rosalie asked.

"Oh, I see – you want Edward here to help you with the lesson," Alice surmised. They both giggled again.

"That's fine with me – then I don't have to _pretend_ to be him," Rosalie spat.

"No, we don't _really_ want him here right now, do we?" Alice chirped. "Because if Edward shows up, then Jasper and Emmett will be right behind him…" Alice didn't need to finish her sentence. I could only imagine one thing more humiliating then the current conversation – having my future brother-in-laws joining in with their own lewd jokes. I continued to pull the pillow tighter and tighter over my ears, trying my best to drown them out and secretly hoping that if I could run out of air under the suffocating pillow, maybe I could black out until Edward came to rescue me from my personal hell on earth.

Despite my attempts to block out all sound, I heard Alice directing Rosalie to start the DVD and cue it up to the lunchroom scene. I tried to dig my puny fingernails into Edward's comforter, desperately attempting to keep myself facedown. I could feel Alice lightly tapping me on my shoulder.

"Bella, I know you can hear me. Don't make this harder then it has to be."

"You promised to leave me alone," I mumbled into the comforter.

"No, I promised no more role-playing or candid discussions. However I did not promise to not watch an instructional movie with you." Her voice was smooth and even, trying to persuade me to sit up. I wasn't taking the bait. She'd have to forcefully remove me from my position.

I felt her cold fingers on my shoulders as she gently tried to pull me up. I gripped the comforter harder, now holding my breath in an attempt to bring on a fainting spell. It wasn't working. Alice's grip became stronger and I felt myself slowly rising upward. I clinched my eyes shut. She may be able to force me up, but she couldn't force me to open my eyes without ripping my eyelids off my face.

"What's going on in here?" I didn't need to recognize the booming voice from the floor below – the volume alone announced that Emmett was home. That meant Jasper and presumably Edward was too.

_I'm still looking for betas if anyone's interested! Please be kind enough to leave a review – good or bad! Reviews will help shape future chapters (and trust me, things only go downhill from here...)_


	4. Who's in love with Phoebe Cates?

_Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!_

_A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Thanks for the "details" added to Chapter 3!_

_AN: So based on the reviews I've been getting, I decided this chapter deserved a little more "meat" (pardon the pun). That meat came in the form of more discussion between the Cullens about the movie. I highly recommend you see "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" if you haven't already – it's one of the funniest 80's teenage sex angst movie ever. Or at least Emmett and Jasper think so._

**Chapter 4 – Who's in love with Phoebe Cates??**

"Quick, mask your thoughts!" Alice hissed at Rosalie. Thankfully I didn't have to oblige. Yet again I was eternally thankful Edward couldn't read my mind, or he would have likely either killed his sisters or kidnapped and taken me as far away as possible from his entire family. Maybe being kidnapped wasn't such a bad thing if it got me away from my sex-crazed sisters.

Alice's face suddenly went rigid, then her eyes seemed to bug out of her head. "Oh no!" Did that mean we were already busted? Was Edward on his way upstairs? "We need to hide!"

"Not so fast." Jasper and Emmett appeared in the doorway, smiling devilishly at us. "Well ladies – what do we have_ here_?" Their entrance was actually _worse_ then getting caught by Edward. I cringed as Emmett ran and sprung onto the bed, almost knocking Alice off when the mattress bucked under the impact of his massive weight. He scooped me up and gave me the mother of all bear hugs.

"So is it Bella's turn for Sex Ed 101?" he hollered back to Jasper. My ears rang from being much too close to his booming voice.

"How did you…" Alice murmured, still wide-eyed and frantic. She was clinging to the edge of Edwards's bed, looking first to Emmett, then to Jasper.

"What else could all of those boxes of lingerie lying on _our_ bed possibly be for? You already own an entire closet full." Jasper shook his finger at Alice as he approached her. "You girls are downright _scandalous_!" I had never heard Jasper so exuberant.

"And we like it!" added Emmett jubilantly, releasing me from the hug and smacking the bed with his palm.

Rosalie darted across the bed and grabbed him by the jaw, her face inches from his. She seemed to be saying something to him, but so softly I couldn't hear. Judging by his expression, she was _not_ telling him she was glad to see him.

"Where's Edward?" I asked cautiously. The kidnapping idea kept sounding better and better.

"Running some errands," Jasper said off-handedly as he threw himself onto the bed in a much too graceful way. He landed at Alice's side and glanced up at her, smirking wildly.

"Should we be expecting him soon?" Rosalie hissed as she continued to stare daggers at Emmett.

"No, we've got at least a good hour before he's due back," replied Jasper as he casually lounged on the bed, winking at Alice.

"You guys watching a movie?" Emmett had broken free of Rosalie's grip and he leaned over her to grab the forgotten remote, pressing play.

My face turned twenty shades of crimson as the cued up lunchroom scene began. I sat frozen on my own little corner of Edwards's bed, praying that none of them would notice me. I began to formulate my own disappearance since the kidnapping option seemed out, but then I remembered Alice would see my plan before I could even think about executing it.

"Hey, it's _Fast Times at Ridgemont High!"_ Emmett exclaimed. He glanced back at Alice and Jasper. "This is an awesome movie!" The dialogue suddenly caught his attention and commanded his gaze back to the TV. "Wow, it's even cued up to one of the good scenes," he noted.

"I prefer the pool scene myself," Jasper added. I glanced over to see that his head was now comfortably resting in Alice's lap, her arm draped over his shoulder.

"That's good too, but this isn't bad." Now Emmett was scooting towards Rose, using her as a backrest. "Hey Bella, you should be paying attention. Phoebe Cates has mad skills!" I saw Rosalie smack him playfully across the head, but he didn't seem to mind. Emmett glanced up at her and sneered as he grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer to him.

I debated what was worst – the ongoing jokes about my impending journey into womanhood with my _very_ experienced future sister-in-laws, or sitting on my fiancée's bed, without my fiancée but with my future brother _and _sister-in-laws while watching this particular movie.

"Emmett, throw me that remote," Jasper said as the notorious lunchroom scene ended.

"Lucky you, Alice. Jasper sure does have a wicked crush on Phoebe Cates, doesn't he?" Rosalie taunted as Emmett tossed the remote over her head and into Jasper's eagerly waiting hand.

"Jasper, don't skip all of the other scenes! There's still some good stuff in here for Bella to watch," Alice chided, apparently ignoring Rosalie's comment.

Rosalie turned to look at me. "You said you've watched this movie before, right? I seriously think Edward has more insecurities then pathetic Mark Ratner."

"Yes, but remember, Mark got Stacy in the end!" Alice sang.

"And yet he still didn't score, even with Mike's help," replied Rosalie.

"Does that make me Mike Damone?" Emmett questioned.

Jasper snorted. "Emmett, you couldn't be as smooth as Damone if you stole every last one of his pickup lines. You're much more like Spicoli, minus the drug-induced stupor of course."

Alice giggled. "And don't forget, Mike had his way with Stacy before she hooked up with Mark."

"Ugh, that's just wrong Emmett." Jasper pretended to gag as he continued to skip through scenes. "Edward would kick your ass if you even thought about Bella that way."

"Whatever you say, _Brad_," Emmett retorted, hurling a pillow at Jasper. "Been caught in the bathroom much?"

"Please don't tell me you've walked in on him…" Rosalie's eyes grew wide in horror.

This time it was Alice who chucked a pillow at Rosalie. "Of course not! Why would he ever need to resort to that when he has _me_!" It took me a few seconds to catch up to everything that had been said since the reference to Edward's likeness to Mark Ratner. Once I figured it all out, I groaned loudly as more disturbing visuals flashed in my mind.

"What's wrong Stacy?" Emmett joked, smiling viciously at me.

"Hey Alice, don't forget to throw a copy of Led Zepplin IV into Bella's luggage for the honeymoon," Rosalie said before turning to me and giving me a knowing look. "Great _mood_ music."

"I wonder if there's any classical versions of that CD. You know, like Metallica's S&M disc?" wondered Emmett. "Edward doesn't really dig the whole 60's rock scene."

"Enough!" Jasper had finally finished fast-forwarding to his favorite pool scene. "I can't hear the movie!"

"Turn it up," suggested Emmett.

All four of them were instantly glued to the screen, ignoring me once again. I stared at the comforter, studying the patterns and trying to pick out the individual colored threads. I was desperate to do anything to distract myself from the full frontal nudity and wild sexcapades in the pool changing house that danced across the screen.

"I'm not sure I agree with that statement," Jasper commented softly, seemingly out of the blue. I had actually succeeded in tuning out the movie for several minutes, and didn't catch what he was referring to. I glanced over and noticed that all four of them were still completely engrossed in the movie, even Rosalie & Alice.

"Whatever." Emmett replied. He twisted so he was now half laying on top of Rosalie, yet looking back at Alice and Jasper. "She's actually right. You guys should try it." My jaw started to gape as I realized what I was hearing. "Worked for Rose," he said off-handedly. Rosalie smacked him again, this time on the chest. "Hey, I'm kidding!" He snapped his teeth at her in a mock bite, then pulled her down towards him, biting her for real this time.

"Bella, this is a prime example of what not to do," Jasper said much too seriously. My horrified stare moved from Rosalie and Emmett over to him. "Have some couth with poor Edward. You'll give him a heart attack if you do _that_." He motioned towards Emmett and Rosalie, who were now oblivious to the rest of us as they continued to paw at one another. "Less is always more." Jasper glanced lovingly at Alice, as she reached down to run her fingers through his hair and brush her lips against his.

_Not them too!_ I tried to look away. Now I was surrounded by four very _affectionate_ vampires, while watching a blush-worthy movie, and while sitting on my fiancée's bed without my fiancée. Could this get any worse? I closed my eyes and buried my head once again, wishing I were anywhere else in the world, even gym class. To drown out the deluge of graphic movie dialogue and Emmett and Rosalie's groans, I started humming the National Anthem to myself.

Just then I heard a loud gasp from the doorway. I could tell it wasn't Edward. I dared to open my eyes to see which of the remaining Cullen's had interrupted my torture session. It was Esme. She stared in horror at the five of us spread out on Edward's bed.


	5. Mother Knows Best

_Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!_

_A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Thanks for the "details" added to Chapter 3!_

_Thanks again to my awesome beta RMCC!_

_Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn._

**Chapter 5 – Mother knows best**

"What are you all doing in here?" She seemed to be waiting for a response when her attention was suddenly diverted to the movie. Esme's jaw dropped for a second, then clenched tightly as she whipped her head back towards all of us. I cringed at her expression, feeling guilty for getting caught in such a situation even though I had no desire to be in it. And to be caught by my _future mother-in-law_. Definitely worse then being caught by Edward. At least Alice and Jasper had been distracted enough to notice her arrival. Thankfully I wouldn't have to endure this ridicule alone.

Alice sat up. "We're just watching a movie." She was attempting to play the innocent card. Jasper sat up next to her, a sudden wave of calm sweeping over me. However, it didn't seem to calm Esme very much.

"Bella, whose idea was this?" I didn't want to answer. Rosalie and Emmett continued to be oblivious to the situation as Emmett reached for the hem of Rosalie's shirt in front of all of us.

"Emmett! Rosalie!" Finally Esme got their attention. They broke away and glanced at her. I couldn't tell if they looked confused or annoyed at the interruption.

Esme glared ferociously at Rosalie, then at Alice. "I can't _believe_ you two! You're worse then the boys! At least Edward has had years to become calloused to their constant teasing! But how could you do this to Bella? Especially you, Alice!" Esme had reached the bed and was pointing at Alice, her tone cold and accusing. I was confused – she seemed to be completely ignoring a guilty looking Emmett and Jasper.

Alice hung her head like a whipped puppy. "We were just trying to help," she muttered, staring down at her hands. "We're sorry, Esme." Jasper pulled her into his chest protectively, stroking her back as he pressed his lips to her hair.

"Don't apologize to me! Apologize to your _future_ sister-in-law. Though I wouldn't blame her if now she'll never think of you as her sisters!" Esme's words stung even me. Although I appreciated her defense, I couldn't help but feel bad for the verbal lashing she was bestowing on Rosalie and Alice. I sincerely felt that they weren't trying to be malicious – I was just too easily embarrassed when discussions like these were brought up so casually.

"And don't think you're off the hook completely!" she threatened the boys. This time it was Emmett who was cowering at her rough tone. He buried his face in Rosalie's lap. His sudden cowardness would have been funny if Esme didn't sound so furious. I had to try something to alleviate her fury.

"Esme, please don't be too hard on them. They meant well," I begged. All four quickly turned to stare at me. Alice looked extremely apologetic – I could almost feel the regret coming off of her in waves. Jasper's expression mirrored Alice's. Rosalie on the other hand looked shocked, like she couldn't believe I wasn't ratting them out. Emmett, now no longer suffering from Esme's direct attack, secretly smiled at me. No one could see his face, not even Rosalie. Only Emmett could go from terrified to happy-go-lucky in one second flat.

Esme studied all of us for a second before responding. Jasper had either cranked up the emotional calm-meter or my pleading had worked, because Esme's tone softened considerably. "Bella, you don't need to protect them. I know more of what goes on around here than you think." She gave my future siblings another disapproving look. "Even if you did mean well, you don't need to be quite so…" she paused to find the right words.

"Graphic?" Alice suggested. Rosalie and Jasper attempted to hide their smiles. Emmett snickered loudly.

"Explicit," Esme countered. This time it was my turn to hide the grin that threatened to overtake my face. Alice snuck a peek at me and winked.

"I think Bella's had enough…_womanly bonding_…for one day," Esme stated. She walked over to the T.V. and shut it off. "And you boys don't need to be intruding – if Edward finds out you were involved in this too, well…" She didn't have to finish. The boys glanced at each other nervously and looked ready to bolt out of the room at any second.

Rosalie looked shocked again. "You mean you've been here the whole time?" she asked Esme.

"Alice isn't the only one with foresight, Rose. Like I said, I know you girls better than you think, and I wasn't about to let poor Bella suffer through all of your _guidance_." Esme actually smirked at us. Her comment seemed to have given the boys second thoughts about leaving. They turned back to watch my expression as it all sunk in.

I was trying to put two and two together – Esme had been in the house all day? And she was just now coming to my rescue? Why so late? And had she heard everything else that had happened? My face began to flush once again as a different sort of embarrassment set in – apparently Esme had been aware of the premeditated hazing. All that was left at that point was for Carlisle to jump out the closet with a video camera.

"I'm surprised you didn't stop us earlier," Rose muttered under her breath, shooting Alice a knowing look. At least Rosalie seemed as stunned as I was.

"Well, I didn't say that all of your actions were unnecessary." My face turned hotter at her choice of words. "I almost stepped in to watch the lingerie show."

Alice giggled and clapped her hands together in excitement. "We can do it again!" she suggested merrily. I groaned loudly at the thought of another show, this time in front of both Esme and the boys.

Esme walked over to my side of the bed and opened her arms to embrace me. "Judging by Bella's face, I think she's had enough for one day. Maybe after the wedding." She pulled me towards her, patting my head softly as I rested my head on her shoulder. My mind was finally able to process everything she had just said since entering the room, and I was utterly baffled. She was protecting me from further embarrassment, yet she had also allowed the lingerie show, role-playing, and most of the cinematic escapades?

"Just because I think the movie was a bit much doesn't mean I don't think there are other things we can help you out with," Esme whispered in my ear. I was beginning to suspect that Edward wasn't the only one in the Cullen family who could read minds. "But I prefer to provide guidance within your own comfort level. You can talk to me about anything Bella, and I promise those discussions will stay just between the two of us."

Unbelievable – Esme was offering to play tutor in my future sex life too? I thought back to what Alice and Rosalie had said earlier about their mother-figure's relationship with Carlisle. I gulped loudly, trying to force more unwanted mental images of the sexual escapades of three vampire couples from my mind. _Soon to be four,_ I thought unconsciously…..


	6. Lessons Well Learned

_Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!_

_A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Thanks for the "details" added to Chapter 3!_

_Thanks again to my awesome beta RMCC!_

_Premise – we all know how much grief poor Edward gets for being the virgin of the Cullen household. What would happen if Rosalie & Alice gave the same sort of treatment to Bella? Set at the beginning of Breaking Dawn._

**Chapter 6 – Lessons well learned**

The tension in Edward's room was slowly draining from the combination of Jasper's talents and Esme's comforting embrace. My face had almost returned to a non-red state since it appeared that my torment would soon be over. I was so focused on Esme that I had nearly forgotten that we were still missing someone.

"Where's Edward?" This time it was Esme who asked the million dollar question. His absence was extremely _odd_ to say the least. I couldn't believe he hadn't caught a glimpse of the day's activities in someone's head.

Jasper gave Emmett an ominous look.

"We sent him on some wedding errands, and told him not to spy on any of us or he'd ruin some of the _surprises_ for the wedding," Jasper explained calmly. Edward's unusual absence was finally explained.

"Wonder what he'd say if he realized the surprises were a little different then he thought," Emmett whispered loudly, giving Rosalie a sultry look.

Alice's face went blank, then her whole body twitched unexpectedly. "Uh oh…" she muttered before quickly burying her head in Jasper's chest.

Her reaction was interpreted to mean only one thing. Edward must be home.

"Time to bail!" Emmett whisked Rosalie quickly off the bed and out of the room, leaving Esme standing bewildered next to the door. Before she could blink, Alice and Jasper fled the room too.

Out of nowhere my savior appeared in the doorway. It was like I was seeing him for the first time – his hair was slightly tousled, but he looked absolutely breathtaking in his jeans and sweater. I was so unbelievably happy to see him that I almost missed the apprehensive look on his face as he glanced at Esme first, then me. His eyes were smoldering topaz, but not with the usual yearning I was accustomed to when he dazzled me.

"Why are everyone's thoughts suddenly – _preoccupied_ with..." Edward trailed off, not finishing his thought. "Rosalie is reciting the Kelley Blue Book values for all Daimler-Chrysler vehicles." His eyes unfocused. "Emmett keeps insisting he's not Mike Damone. Jasper is…" Edward flinched and grimaced sharply. "Ugh, Phoebe Cates, topless. Alice has to love that." His eyes finally turned back towards me. "And Alice is translating a Victoria's Secret catalog into Swahili. What in the _hell_ is going on around here?"

I was speechless and redder then a tomato yet again. If this day was any indicator of what my life was going to be like as a Cullen, then I might as well prepare to look permanently sunburned once I moved in. Edward finally looked away from me and gazed at Esme for a few seconds. "You're hiding something. Since when are you interested in the geo-political history of Persia?"

She gave her favorite son a thousand-watt smile and ignored his question. "Bella's been waiting for you." She reached out to touch Edward affectionately on the arm before she exited the room, leaving me to fend for myself.

Edward slowly turned to look back at me, but remained frozen in the doorway. He unleashed the full power of his gaze, probing at me with his ocher stare. It seemed that he was waiting for me to explain myself, but he must have forgotten that I was unable to speak when being so thoroughly dazzled. I held my breath in anticipation.

We stared each other down for what felt like hours, until he finally sighed loudly and glanced away. "Bella, breathe please."

Unleashed from his stare, I inhaled sharply, almost panting to catch my breath. I held my stomach and bent down towards the bed, avoiding his eyes until I regained control.

When I finally was able to look up again, his eyes were unfocused. "Now they're all thinking about someone named Mark Ratner. Who's he?"

I fought back a giggle that tickled my throat. If I didn't distract him quickly, one of my future siblings was bound to give us all away. Suddenly, I didn't want Edward to know the gory details of my initiation into his family. But I still wanted him to save me and give me something to think about besides sex-ed _Cullen-style_.

"Edward," I said softly. He was at my side in a heartbeat, standing next to the bed and gently pulling me over to him. He cupped my face in his cold palms, his amber eyes searching mine.

"How was your day?" he asked quietly. "More wedding preparations?"

I nodded. It was safer not to qualify his statement at that particular moment.

"I missed you." He kissed my forehead and each cheek, but then he paused unexpectedly.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Edward pulled away and stared at me curiously. "Alice is parading every romantic image she can think of through her mind. All the things she _thinks_ I like. Emmett is trying to imagine how Led Zepplin's _Kashmir_ would sound performed by a symphony orchestra. And Esme keeps telling me to kiss you." He studied my face. "Why were all of you in my bedroom when I got home?"

I had to get his mind off of everyone else's mind quickly, or we were dead. I threw my arms around his neck and planted my lips on his, doing my very best to distract him and wash away the all too vivid memories of the day.

He was quickly up on the bed with me, smothering me with kisses. We were so completely engrossed with one another that neither of us sensed someone else in the room. The first indication that we were not alone was a piece of clothing landing suspiciously on our heads.

Before Edward could pull away from our embrace, I felt something light, yet with hard edges ricochet off of Edward's back and brush against my hand. Another similar object, only slightly larger grazed my shoulder. I felt Edward slowly rise, looking utterly confused and distracted. He reached up to pull the garment off of his head, holding it out slightly so we could both see it. It was black and lacy. I sucked in my breath sharply as I realized what it was.

"Don't forget what we taught you today Bella!" Alice sang from the bedroom doorway, before slamming it shut. Then I heard different, unfamiliar voices – definitely not my future in-laws.

"Did they just turn on a movie?" Edward asked as he continued to push himself up and away from me, studying the skimpy underwear that had been flung at us.

I turned from underneath him to glance up towards the TV. The movie was on again, cued back up to the lunchroom scene for the second time. As I reached over to prop myself up, my hand landed on one of the light, hard objects that had also been thrown at us. I cringed as I realized what it was.

Edward looked back at me smugly. "Care to explain why we've been pelted with crotchless underwear and condoms, and why _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_ is playing on my DVD player?"

I pinched my lips together, refusing to answer. Maybe I'd be saved by the random thoughts of the others again.

"And in case you're wondering, they're all thinking the same thing. _Ask Bella_. So I'm asking." The smirk on his face contradicted his quasi-serious tone.

Now I was in quite a predicament. My gut reaction was to cry war and rat them all out. But who would ultimately end up feeling ridiculed and embarrassed? _Me_. I had to beat them at their own game, but how? Snitching wasn't the answer.

The incredulous look on Edward's face gave me an idea. Obviously he didn't seem very upset by the sudden pelting. In fact he looked like he was secretly enjoying it. Was he waiting for me to freak out like all of the other times earlier that day?

I simply had no more modesty left. If I couldn't beat them or find any solace in my embarrassment, then I might as well join them. After all, I too would be a Cullen in just a couple of weeks, and like my sisters said, _I had a reputation to uphold._

"You're in for one hell of a wedding night," I purred seductively in Edward's ear before pulling him back down to me.

I could hear the laughter coming from outside of his room – even Esme's.

_So as of now, the hazing of Bella is done…but you never know what other hyjinxes could erupt before the wedding in the House of Cullen…_

_For more pre-wedding adventures, check out "Music Lessons". _


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